Thursday, March 31, 2011

I Found MY Word

I did it. I found my word. That one word that describes me and all that I am. It took me a while, but I found it. I've been looking for this word for a few years now, i just didn't really know that was what I was looking for. I kept thinking that I was trying to find myself, to reinvent this new being who suddenly found herself a mother, wife, and now soon to be divorcee. I kept saying, "That's it, this year I'm going to reinvent myself and figure out my purpose." Simply saying that I was a mother or a wife wasn't cutting it for me. It didn't have enough 'umph' behind it. Yes, I proudly gave birth to 2 children without any pain meds and did the whole SAHM thing. I also selflessly supported a military husband as he was called away at all hours of the night. Then as my marriage fell apart I dove into school, but then still a word like 'student' didn't seem to fit right either. The right word just kind of lingered on the tip of my tongue waiting to spit itself out like a watermelon seed.

So what was it? What was this word that I was searching for? My days of playing the tuba in a jazz band were over. I was no longer a 'musician'. My days of riding and jumping horses were over. I was no longer an 'equestrian'. Even my days of serving my country in the Coast Guard were over. I wasn't even a 'sailor' anymore. So what was I? What is it that puts ME apart from everyone else? What word describes me now? Rome is 'sex'. New York City is 'ambition'. Yes, i consider myself sexy, but I am by no means Rome. And my ambition shines through with my drive to graduate college, but I am far from New York City.

So I sat there in my living room tonight, surrounded by piles of laundry wearing my boyfriends pajama bottoms (which he may never get back) thinking about MY word. What word I define. Then it hit me. Every day I sit in an office talking with other military veterans. I listen to their stories about their girlfriends, bills they have to pay, war, and friends they've lost. I stand behind my friends and family 100%. I love fully and hurt fully when love has left. I have steady patience when it comes to waiting for what I know is right. Even when my children are filled with evil and start talking in tongues I can't imagine my days without the joy they bring me. I enjoy being that shoulder to cry one, that friend you need, the supportive girlfriend, mommy. I let people in and people let me in. I'm that smile you need at the end of the day when nothing seems to have gone right. My arms are always open to hold someone when they hurt.

I love to love. I love to give people my heart. My heart has been broken in so many ways I've lost track. Drop kicked, cut, punched, and shattered. But my heart is what defines me. I always manage to pick up the pieces and put my heart back together better than before. It's my heart that sets me aside from other people. It's my heart that has always stayed true to me through all my ups and downs. It's my heart that keeps me forever looking at the positive in things and the people around me. That little beating machine in my chest is what helps me to love fully, honestly, and without reservation. It's my heart that defines me. It's my heart that has helped me find my word. That word that I am the dictionary definition of.

I know that I'm a ball breaker and that I believe in tough love. I don't always tell you what you want to hear and my mouth often runs faster than my brain but I know what I am deep down inside. I. Am. Heart. I will use my heart to love you with everything that I have and to help you love yourself. That's it. that's my word. The word I am the definition of, I am heart.