Brandi in the Raw-One Classless Bitch

For those of you that know me personally know that this past year has been nothing short of interesting. Perhaps one of my favorite most interesting moments was when I was called 'classless' on Twitter by another user. I saw this on Twitter and immediately jumped and thought, "Classless???? Who the fuck are you calling classless???? Bitch." I think I proved her point with that thought alone. After my knee jerk 'classless' reaction i started to look at it in a comical way.

This tweet was put out by someone who rates quality of life in diamonds and probably eats with REAL silverware, not the Kmart special I picked up in college back in the late 90's (which I still proudly use today). Again proving her tweet to be correct. So there I was, laughing at my Kmart silverware while sitting on my Bob's Discount couch in my Target t-shirt and Walmart underwear. Again exuding my classy status. "I need a list," I thought "of everything that makes me 'classless' in white color society." And a list is exactly what I made. So here it is for all of you, a list of Brandi in the Raw and everything that makes me 'One Classless Bitch'..........and also a pure goddess in my eyes.


1. I live above an old run down gas station, complete with pumps and a sign.
2. At the ripe old age of 31 I still rent apartments/houses, I've never owned.
3. I drive a poorly financed 'old man brown' Chevy station wagon.
4. I have been known to lick the bottom of a Doritos bags to get the last of the crumbs.
5. There is absolutely NO rhyme or reason to the decoration in my kid's rooms. NOTHING matches and most of it is hand me downs.
6. ALL of the frames in my house are from Walmart or the Dollar Tree and probably are held together somewhere with duct tape and/or super glue.
7. I cut my kid's hair, with no formal training what-so-ever. Therefore they often look like ho-bo children. And no, I'm not afraid to use a bowl!
8. The inside of my car looks like its been through Hurricane Katrina. No joke, its a disaster. My next car will be different. I've said that before
9. I don't really dust all that often. I hate it.
10. I don't use paper towels. Haven't had them in my house for almost 3 years, with the exception of a breach of security a few months ago.
11. My dinning room table is a hand-me-down from a restaurant in Maine.
12. The chairs around my table are older than I am. They are from the house of my junior high crush when his parents had a 'moving yard sale'. My mother bought them for me as a joke, partially because he wouldn't go to my 8th grade prom with me.
13. My daughter often looks like the Wild Woman of Borneo because I don't brush her hair every day. (I choose not invoke Lucifer based on a snarl created by sleeping.)
14. On any given day both my children look like they just crawled out of a dumpster.
15. It is physically impossible for me to keep my house in a state of tidy-ness.
16. My wardrobe is from Walmart, my kid's wardrobe is from various thrift stores.
17. My idea of fine jewelry is anything from Walmart over $50. BTW, you can get some pretty expensive fun shit from Walmart.
18. I live from paycheck to paycheck.
19. On hot days in the summer I wash my kids in the backyard using a spaghetti pot, shower fluff, and soap....while they're naked.
20. As a family we enjoy Pants Off Friday and parade around the house in our underwear.
21. I use old butter tubs as tupper wear.
22. 'My' glass is a mason jar. I drink all my cold drinks out of it.
23. If my bra matches my underwear it is a complete and total accident, and only happens once or twice a year.
24. I use the words twat and cunt on a regular basis.
25. I enjoy videos of things getting blown up/shot.
26. I have my very own deer hide that my Dad gave me. I asked for it one Christmas.
27. I have had a LOT of sex in my life time and I don't hide that fact.
28. I am VERY open about EVERYTHING.
29. I'm a ball buster. If you have toothpaste on your face I'm going to tell you that your boyfriend has bad aim.
30. I burp.
31. I fart. In public. And then I giggle.
32. I taught my kids that farts=funny
33. I hang out with the guys and help them pick up chicks.
34. I tell it like it is, flat out, the non-fluffy version. If you suck, I'm going to tell you that you suck and why.
35. I tell racist/religious/sexist jokes. Not because I'm racist/religious/sexist, but because they're fucking funny!


So that's what makes me 'classless' and who I am. I'm a complete mess and I love it! I am so happy and comfortable in my skin. I may have taken the long way to get to where I am today but I wouldn't change that for the world. Those people who call me classless never get past the dirt, cat hair, and farts to see the fact that I proudly served my country for 7 1/2 years where I stopped drug runners, illegal fishing boats, kept our waterways safe, and shaped over 700 individuals into today's Coast Guard. They don't get to see that I actually attended a college prep school for all 4 years of high school where I directed full length plays, sang in a choir, got awarded a music scholarship, made honor roll, made the junior Olympic team for Nordic skiing, worked on the school magazine, and mentored junior classmates. They don't get to see that as a single parent I put myself through 2 years of college while making the Dean's List, got invited to join the honors society, and finally graduating in May. And most of all, they are so concerned with judging other people, they don't get to see how amazingly supportive and loving my family is and how happy we are because we're not concerned with how the world sees us.