Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Resolutions for my children

I've made New Years Resolutions before. Lots of them. They never seem to work out. I always find myself more motivated for change on my birthday. I think its due to suddenly becoming one year closer to 'old'.....whenever that may be. So this year I have decided to make resolutions for my children instead. I have two reasons for this.1. Maybe making them for someone else will work better than for myself.2. They're too young to know any better.

So here it goes. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

1. Every morning will be brought in as if it were the happiest day ever!
2. On the weekends we will not wake up until after 7am at least unless prompted to do otherwise by mommy.
3. We will play nice with eachother.
4. That screech app that was installed in DD will magically be un-installed.
5. We will finally let mommy poop in peace so she doesn't have to hold it until she goes to work anymore.
6. We will (at the age of 4 and 1) learn how to make the perfect pot of coffee for mommy in the morning.
7. As the only son I will finally stop refusing to wipe my own butt so mommy can having nightmares of poop smeared jeans.
8. From now on when mommy says she is going to make dinner we are going to sit and play quietly in the playroom because we understand that the more we scream at her the longer it takes her to make said dinner.
9. We will finally understand that marshmellows and cookies are not a complete part of your breakfast.
10. We will clean and wash mommys car once a month because we understand that the majority of the mess, especially in the back seat, is caused by us.

Signed sincerely,
The two most perfect angels in all of Connecticut
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Thursday, December 23, 2010

I feel bad for husbands!

My mother sent me this in an e-mail yesterday. It's so true and makes me so happy to NOT be a man yet again!

To Be 6 Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror .

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you f---ing retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Someone injected evil into my children, I know it.

This is what I'm picturing. My kids are sleeping soundly in their beds. All is quiet in the house. Despite having the doors locked a little troll finds its way into the house through the drier vent. Up the stairs he creeps and into Pheobe's room first. Because it is a crib all he has to do is reach his stubby arm through the side. He takes out a large syringe filled with green Goo and squirts it in her nose. This way you can't tell the difference between the Goo and the boogers. He then sneaks down the hall to Theo's room. He has to climb on the bed to get to Theo because its a full sized bed. He does the same thing in Theo's nose as he did Pheobe. Then the little bastard sneaks back down stairs. And just like pulling a fire alarm as he shoots up the vent he wakes the kids.

And that's how it happens. That's how a sleeping mommy who is dreaming of sun filled days on a beach on Maui is suddenly faced with 2 screaming children who won't stop.2 screaming children who she swears have red eyes and are talking in tongues.

The rest of a day that starts like that is spent trying to figure out the right words for an add on Craigslist. The add would be how I can sell myself as a mail order bride to an old man in his 80's who can't even get it up anymore. If you thought I was going to sell my children you were wrong. That's highly illegal and I would never do such a thing. I would rather get post cards from family members begging me to come back and take care of my demon children.
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Thursday, December 16, 2010