Monday, April 18, 2011

Your Psychopath Girlfriend

I'm not going to lie to you people, I am in some serious fucking frigging pain right now. I'm pretty sure my body was hijacked around 9am this morning. My day started great. My kids were like little angels running around with halos on. We were all up, fed, dressed, and out of the house by 6:45 (a new record). We stopped by BF's work to bring him coffee and for me to get my good morning kiss (this is how couples who see each other an hour a day get they're quality time in). This morning BF even picked 2 trumpet flowers for me that I took to work and put in a little paper coffee cup on my desk. We've covered the whole classless thing before. When I got to work my "boss" even bought me breakfast! Seriously, today started out as a major win! And it was a Monday no less!!!

Then it eyes started to well up. I want nachos. BF said he loved me and that pretty much did it. My day went to crap, because that obviously makes sense. Right? I mean that should send every girl into complete grump and bitch mode. Right? I want nachos. Come to find out those would be the magic words to send me into hyper space all day, every time he said them I melted into a heap of snot and tears and mystery.

So there I was, wondering why BF telling me he loves me I want nachos was sending me into emotional despair, when all of a sudden I had to pee. (Men, I know how much y'all hate menstrual talk so to avoid reading about blood and tampons you might want to take a beer break right now...also, can you grab me one while you're at it?) And I pee, like God intended us all to do, and there was God's little cruel joke...yup, blood...lots of it. I want nachos. And in typical Monday fashion I realize that I forgot to put on underwear this morning. Yes, forgot. And now I'm bleeding, as God intended, like a Criminal Minds victim. Let me just say, I am so thankful that, despite inflation and rising gas prices, restroom tampons are still 25 cents because there's no way a maxi pad is going to stay put without underwear in my Walmart leggings.

By 9:30 I was pretty sure my body had been hijacked by uterus eating aliens. I want nachos. By tomorrow I would for sure be giving birth, through my belly button, to some gray sharp toothed alien with a bad attitude and a hunger that would cause it to eat me, my children, and 2 cats. Do you think they like nachos? Because I'm not sharing. So this explains it all. THIS is why I feel miserable every time BF says I love you and I suddenly can't stop crying. And so my day goes, complete with shedding a tear for the earthworm and nematode I had to dissect in biology class.

By the time I got home I was an emotional wreck. Complete and total WRECK! I just sat there on the couch with BF staring into space. At this point I'm pretty sure BF thinks I'm a complete psycho. By the time he went to bed (30min later) I had tears streaming down my face and can't breath. I want nachos. And you know what? BF sat there completely exhausted from 17 hours straight of work and listened to every crazy thought that zipped out of my mouth. He looked at me with concerned eyes and stroked my hair as I crumbled in front of him. He held me when I doubled over in nonsense tears and told me it would be ok. I went off on a hormonal rant and he sat there selflessly being exactly what I needed. I still want nachos.

I have to say that I am the luckiest hormonal bitch girl around with BF in my life. I know he's modest and doesn't like it when I 'call him out' but its true. He gets me. He understands or at least makes it seem like he does that I just need to have that emotional break down and then everything will be alright. So thank you BF for being that rock that I need so often once a month. You may not think so, but you truly are a selfless amazing person with a huge heart, and I am beyond lucky to be able to hear you say I love you every day. Thank you for every thing you do.

Love Always, Your Psychopath Girlfriend Me

P.S. I settled for Flavor Blast Goldfish crackers in stead of nachos.


  1. hmmmm

    sounds like the chicks I live with. You'd fit in well. Hope your day/night gets more betterer sooner. Hang in there. Good work Brandi's BF

  2. Loved it :) and im now craving nachos

  3. Sorry that your awesome day turned into a steamy turd so quickly!! Your BF sounds fantastic. I want a BF like that...and some nachos. Thanks for the your expense..sorry.

  4. Great im sitting here at the police station craving nachos! I guess I'm stopping on the way home and buying chips cheese and salsa. Thanks for the complements im just being me. But your more awsome than I

  5. Brandi: Ironic, I'm working on a Meno-post. Except my mood swings are so bad that I'm wishing EVERY man got at least ONE period with raging cramps. I know. I'm a BEAST. But after a flippin' week with non-stop cramps I could kill someone right about now.

    Your flowers sound pretty and I hope you get those nachos. (( )) hugs

  6. You are awesome....need I say more?Now, don't cry when I say this, OK??? I love you! LOL I do!

  7. OMG!! I love this!!! I was that way yesterday & the day before and this morning... YUP!!! I also found out why I was a raving, emotional, homicidal, suicidal maniac!! Why don't they make a pill yet? Oh wait they do.... I just can't afford a prescription for Xanax.... {{{HUGS}}}