Thursday, April 28, 2011

The Situation Room

The White House has this really COOL room called The Situation Room where all the cool shit goes down. This is the place where Mr. El Presidante does his business (not the #2 kind). Business like controlling the ENTIRE US from this one room! Friggin' cool!
Picture it, 8am Monday morning, the President rolls up after smoking his menthol cigarette with a large gourmet coffee that your tax dollars paid for. He struts in with his entourage down into the Situation Room! He means business, this is an entire country we're talking about! Let's get this shit started and protect some people already! Boo-yeah mother fuckers, we've got a constitution to uphold!

That's what I'm talking about, that's how shit should get done on a Monday morning!

So yeah, about that. That's not 100% how it goes down in my house on a Monday morning. Yes, my house is white and although I am not the president, according to Foursquare I am the mayor of the Redneck Palace. That has to count for something right? Like yeah, duh, of course it does. So there it is, Monday morning, not quite 8am more like 5:30/6 o'clock. I'm just barely awake, depending on the coffee intake. I stop for a moment remember my days of being a smoker and go to wake up the kids. Great, now there are 3 zombies in the house. But there is NO WAY those 2 are getting coffee! I don't have a death wish.

Milk: check!
Cereal: check!
Kids are occupied: check!
It's now time for a some mommy time!

I slowly walk down the hall to the bathroom, I step inside and slowly close the door. *holds breath and waits* Still quite, good to go. I sit down on the toilet and *ahhhhhhh*. Time for some Angry Birds.


WTF was that?!?!?! A stampede comes down the hallway and the bathroom, which was just seconds ago a personal battle against those damn pigs that just won't die, has now become..........The Situation Room. The kids council takes their place in their assigned seats (Pheobe on her pink frog potty and Theo in the bathtub). And the Monday agenda is presented to the Foursquare mayor of the Redneck Palace mommy.

"Who's picking us up from school?"
"Pheobe told me that I can't bring anything for circle time."
"Toe say me no eat cereal."
"I don't want to wear underwear today."
*tandem moon shine*
etc, etc, etc.......

And I sit there answering questions thinking I should have brought my coffee in with me.

"I'm picking you up today."
"You can bring one thing to circle time, but that's it."
"You can eat all the cereal you want lady bird."
"You have to wear underwear because you're not good at wiping your own butt yet."
"Pull your pants up, no moons during the day."

Then I explain the routine for the rest of the morning. Get dressed, put coats on, grab lunch boxes, get in the car, bring BF his coffee at work, go to school. Everyone is on board and ready to go! Ready, break! I then try to hustle them back out the door so I can wipe my butt in peace without someone saying, "Ewwwwww!!!!" Right kids, because me wiping your butts is so much more glamorous.

And that's how it goes down in The Situation room here at the Redneck Palace. We get shit done, literally. I'm sure the President would be extremely jealous if he new just how fabulous it is in my Situation Room. I'm sure y'all are jealous too. It's ok, I live the high life, I'm use to people wanting all that I have. Here, have a tissue. You too can be this lavish if you really try.

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