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Friday, March 11, 2011
Poopy Puppy
I once again find myself dog sitting.....willingly. Not sure how this happens. I can't stand dogs much in the way that the old bag down the street can't stand children. I mean, they're ok for short periods of time as long as you can give them back. And by short periods of time I mean no more than 5 minutes. Dogs smell like shit stink. Especially when they chew their toe nails (btw, I dislike feet). The only thing worse than that smell is wet dog smell. Related: The dog came to my house yesterday.....it started raining......yesterday. Did you know that dogs have to poop outside to avoid poop paintings by toddlers? Well they do, which means I have to walk this dog outside, in the rain, an ungodly amount of times a day 2 or 3 times a day.
This morning I take said dog out for a walk so that he may relieve himself on some poor un-expecting trees and sign posts. We pace a small section of sidewalk (in the rain) and add more liquid to the surrounding trees.Lucky them. As I was about to have enough of this rain and urine business, said dog gives a big oak a loving look. He circles the tree to size it up. He sniffs up and down the bark. He pees in several spots. He then proceeds to back his hind end UP the tree as if climbing it backwards.
Once the dog is practically perpendicular to the ground he commences to poop....and poop....and poop......and poop. All the while trying to stay with his butt up the tree. I was pretty sure this dog pooped out a small cat. I had to do a head count of my three cats once we got back inside to ensure they were all, in fact, still alive. A look of accomplishment came over the dog's face once he was done doing whatever it was he was doing. I have to wonder if this look of accomplishment for being able to poop up a tree while perpendicular to the ground or for the sheer amount of poop that actually came out of a 15 pound dog. Perhaps I will never know.
This morning I take said dog out for a walk so that he may relieve himself on some poor un-expecting trees and sign posts. We pace a small section of sidewalk (in the rain) and add more liquid to the surrounding trees.
Once the dog is practically perpendicular to the ground he commences to poop....and poop....and poop......and poop. All the while trying to stay with his butt up the tree. I was pretty sure this dog pooped out a small cat. I had to do a head count of my three cats once we got back inside to ensure they were all, in fact, still alive. A look of accomplishment came over the dog's face once he was done doing whatever it was he was doing. I have to wonder if this look of accomplishment for being able to poop up a tree while perpendicular to the ground or for the sheer amount of poop that actually came out of a 15 pound dog. Perhaps I will never know.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
The Geography of Women
One of my beautiful sister's sent me "The Geography of Women" and I couldn't resist putting it up here to share with everyone. I would like to add one thing before you read on, I LOVE being Spain!!!!
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like AFRICA ;
Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like EUROPE ;
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like SPAIN ;
very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like GREECE ;
gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like GREAT BRITAIN ;
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like ISRAEL ;
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like CANADA ;
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes TIBET ;
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like IRAN ;
ruled by nuts.
The End
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like AFRICA ;
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like EUROPE ;
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like SPAIN ;
very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like GREECE ;
gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like GREAT BRITAIN ;
with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like ISRAEL ;
Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice,and takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like CANADA ;
self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes TIBET ;
Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 90, a man is like IRAN ;
ruled by nuts.
The End
Friday, February 18, 2011
Wonder Woman Spin Transformation and Lasso - First Season
Funny thing is, the same thing happens to me every time I spin. It's the oddest thing.
Friday, February 11, 2011
For The Love Of Poop! Starring 'The Ghost Poop'
My whole life I have had this weird fascination with poop (and general bowel movements). It's no secret, you've read my blog. This fascination has been handed down to my children........and is evidently contagious because my boyfriend has since joined in. And I'm not just talking about his pledge to try to keep my children away from the bathroom so I can finally poop for the first time in 3 days. I mean he has become outwardly excited about major bowel movements. It all started with him giving these creative names to some of his babies poops:
Tiger Stripes: There's so much in there that when you flush it streaks the bowl, resembling the markings of the mighty jungle tiger.
Dry Dock: You do this in the toilets of your enemies. It leaves evidence of your 'visit' for a longer period of time than scent a lone. It is a difficult poop to perform let alone master. It was explained to me that the trick to this poop is to poop right as the bowel is emptying thus 'dry docking' your 'ship' on the inside of the bowel. I consider this a thing of epic awesomeness!!!! This may or may not be why I love my boyfriend so much.
When I am in a bad mood all he has to do is mention one of these two poops and I am immediately lmao and feeling better. Like I said, this may or may not be why I love him so much. Now on to "The Ghost Poop".
A few weeks ago BF came out of the bathroom with a look of distain on his face. He looked confused for a few seconds and then lit up like firefly!
BF: You HAVE to blog about the ghost poop!
Me: The what poop?
BF: The GHOST POOP!!!!
Me: ???????
BF: There you are, sitting on the toilet.
Me: *shakes head and snickers*
BF: You 'feel' it come out.
Me: *closes eyes and crinkles nose*
BF: You 'hear' it hit the water......you 'feel' the water hit your ass. You even 'heard' it come out.
Me: *eyes water from holding in laughter*
BF: You wipe, and there's proof that you pooped.
Me: *cheeks filling with giggle gas*
BF: You get up and look in the toilet and THERE'S NOTHING THERE!!!! Nothing. Except toilet paper!!! Butyoufeltitcomeout. Youfeltthewaterhityourbutt! BUT THERE'S NOTHING THERE!!!!! It's a GHOST POOP!!!! *takes a Ta Da! stance*
Me: Bwahahahahaha!!!!!!!
I'm not sure which part of this whole conversation got me laughing more, the idea of a ghost poop, the excitement in his voice, or his overall expression of excitement throughout his ENTIRE body. All I know is that the poop fascination has officially spread to my dear sweet BF, so much so that I now get notices when a ghost poop, or other phenamenal poop, has occurred. He needs to create an app for that.
I really do consider myself lucky to have found someone with an equal admiration of bowel movements.
Tiger Stripes: There's so much in there that when you flush it streaks the bowl, resembling the markings of the mighty jungle tiger.
Dry Dock: You do this in the toilets of your enemies. It leaves evidence of your 'visit' for a longer period of time than scent a lone. It is a difficult poop to perform let alone master. It was explained to me that the trick to this poop is to poop right as the bowel is emptying thus 'dry docking' your 'ship' on the inside of the bowel. I consider this a thing of epic awesomeness!!!! This may or may not be why I love my boyfriend so much.
When I am in a bad mood all he has to do is mention one of these two poops and I am immediately lmao and feeling better. Like I said, this may or may not be why I love him so much. Now on to "The Ghost Poop".
A few weeks ago BF came out of the bathroom with a look of distain on his face. He looked confused for a few seconds and then lit up like firefly!
BF: You HAVE to blog about the ghost poop!
Me: The what poop?
BF: The GHOST POOP!!!!
Me: ???????
BF: There you are, sitting on the toilet.
Me: *shakes head and snickers*
BF: You 'feel' it come out.
Me: *closes eyes and crinkles nose*
BF: You 'hear' it hit the water......you 'feel' the water hit your ass. You even 'heard' it come out.
Me: *eyes water from holding in laughter*
BF: You wipe, and there's proof that you pooped.
Me: *cheeks filling with giggle gas*
BF: You get up and look in the toilet and THERE'S NOTHING THERE!!!! Nothing. Except toilet paper!!! Butyoufeltitcomeout. Youfeltthewaterhityourbutt! BUT THERE'S NOTHING THERE!!!!! It's a GHOST POOP!!!! *takes a Ta Da! stance*
Me: Bwahahahahaha!!!!!!!
I'm not sure which part of this whole conversation got me laughing more, the idea of a ghost poop, the excitement in his voice, or his overall expression of excitement throughout his ENTIRE body. All I know is that the poop fascination has officially spread to my dear sweet BF, so much so that I now get notices when a ghost poop, or other phenamenal poop, has occurred. He needs to create an app for that.
I really do consider myself lucky to have found someone with an equal admiration of bowel movements.
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