Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Toilet Alarm

I'm almost entirely convinced that there is an alarm installed on my toilet that alerts my children every time I sit down. This is especially anoying seeing as how I am woman and HAVE to sit down all the time (and no, I don't use the hover technique in my own home). And no, I don't have penis envy. I like the fact that I can get turned on (extremely turned on) and not a single person can tell. Anyway, I digress. Back to where I started, there is an alarm in my toilet. Let me set the scene for you:

Maine character: Frazzled Mommy with a distended belly caused by solid waist retention because her children refuse to let her use the bathroom.

Villans: 2 young children. Boy, 4 yrs old (horns have been shaved off) Girl, almost 2 yrs old (horns hidden in her pig tails)

The scene takes place in the bathroom on and in front of the toilet.

Time: 6:45pm EST

Mommy notices that the villans are quietly (volume level just below howling) playing in the playroom and decides to slip away to the bathroom to finally relieve herself of solid waist retention.  Once over the treshold of the bathroom she pauses to listen for a change in behavoir in the She slowly approaches the toilet. Turns her back to the toilet and pulls down her pants slowly.  The villans continue as they were. She eases herself down onto the seat,


Mommy jumps up in horror! Silence. False alarm. She eases herself back down onto the seat.


Up pops mommy once again. Again, silence. Damn it.

Third time is charm, mommy tries to sit down again.

No dice. Blood curdling screams emerge from the playroom once again. This can't happen again, mommy can't hold it in any longer. She reaches to the right with her Go Go Gadget arm, closes and locks the bathroom door. Almost immediatly a stampead of foot stemps commence down the hall toward the bathroom. Mommy almost thinks she can hear growling and the villans talking in tongues. Suddenly there is pounding on the bathroom door and a chorus of cries and "mommy"s coming from the other side.

Mommy simply puts her hands over her ears, rocks back and forth, and poops as if nothing else is going on.

Five minutes later the cries and pounding are still going on, but mommy has finally had a successful bowl movement. She stands up, flushes, washes her hands, and slowly opens the door. The villans stop abruptly, look up at mommy, giggle, and run away.


  1. Really great story. Any parent can certainly relate to it that is for sure. It was very well written in my opinion.

  2. It's like we're the same person.

  3. Oh yes! The toilette and the telephone are two time when our kids can't live without us. My kids won't talk to me for an hour but as soon as the phone rings or nature calls it's MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!