I haven't pooped in 3 days. I'm 100% serious. Don't get me wrong, I've tried. Numerous times. Epic fail every time. It goes a little something like this:
9:00am: Kids are soaked into a movie. I slowly back out of the living room.
9:01am: Exit complete. Commence tip toeing down the hall.
9:02am: Slowly open the bathroom door and gently close it behind me. Quietly lift toilet seat.
9:03am: Down go the pants and my butt tenderly makes contact with the toilet seat.
9:03am: DS "MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
9:03am: DD "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!"
9:03am: DS comes bursting through the door.
9:04am: DS "Mommy, DD looked at me!"
9:04am: Me "Really?"
9:04am: DD comes bursting through the door with buggers smudged across her face and slams the door shut behind her.
9:05am: DD throws herself on the floor at my feet, new snot bubble forming and taking over her face.
9:05am: Stupid cat commences scratching at the door frame to get in. heaven forbid he miss the party.
9:05am: DS opens the door for said cat as 2 others follow right behind him.
9:06am: Why the hell is there a cat now sitting on my shoulders sniffing my ear? (true story)
9:06am: Me "Now DS, what happened?"
9:06am: DS "Huh?"
9:06am: Me "Between you and your sister. What happened?"
9:06am: DS "Can you color with me?"
9:07am: Commence looking for sharp object to shove in my eye.
9:07am: DD gets up and tries to look behind me into the toilet.
9:07am: Big fat cat jumps on my lap.
9:08am: DS "Mommy!"
9:08am: Me "What?"
9:08am: A little hand pushes on my back.
9:08am: DS "Color with me!"
9:09am: Me "Does it look like I can color right now?"
9:09am: DS "Do you want me to go get the crayons?"
9:09am: Me "You want to color in the bathroom?"
9:09am: DS "Uh huh, you're in here." *smiles*
9:09am: DD tries to stick her hand in the toilet by my butt. Um no, nice try.
9:10am: Me "I will color with you when I'm done. For crying out loud DD get your hand out of my butt!"
9:10am: DD "Poo poo."
9:10am: Me "Yes baby, poo poo."
9:10am: DS "Mommy, are you done yet?"
9:10am: *big mommy sigh*
9:10am: Me "Mother of pearl!" as I shake the cat who is clawing on for dear life off my back.
9:11am: Me "Yes. I'm done."
9:11am: I wipe out of habit and pull my pants up.
9:11am: DS looks into the toilet.
9:11am: DS "Mommy! Where did your poop go?"
Eleven minutes spent on the toilet. Not a single poop made it to its watery grave. Tell me, where in those eleven minutes did I actually have time to even get a single poop out? 3 days it's been like this. Tomorrow is day number 4. Wish me luck or send me an enema. I'm gonna need it.