Friday, October 22, 2010

This is begining to be a problem.......

I haven't pooped in 3 days. I'm 100% serious. Don't get me wrong, I've tried. Numerous times. Epic fail every time. It goes a little something like this:

9:00am: Kids are soaked into a movie. I slowly back out of the living room.
9:01am: Exit complete. Commence tip toeing down the hall.
9:02am: Slowly open the bathroom door and gently close it behind me. Quietly lift toilet seat.
9:03am: Down go the pants and my butt tenderly makes contact with the toilet seat.
9:03am: DS "MOMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
9:03am: DS comes bursting through the door.
9:04am: DS "Mommy, DD looked at me!"
9:04am: Me "Really?"
9:04am: DD comes bursting through the door with buggers smudged across her face and slams the door shut behind her.
9:05am: DD throws herself on the floor at my feet, new snot bubble forming and taking over her face.
9:05am: Stupid cat commences scratching at the door frame to get in. heaven forbid he miss the party.
9:05am: DS opens the door for said cat as 2 others follow right behind him.
9:06am: Why the hell is there a cat now sitting on my shoulders sniffing my ear? (true story)
9:06am: Me "Now DS, what happened?"
9:06am: DS "Huh?"
9:06am: Me "Between you and your sister. What happened?"
9:06am: DS "Can you color with me?"
9:07am: Commence looking for sharp object to shove in my eye.
9:07am: DD gets up and tries to look behind me into the toilet.
9:07am: Big fat cat jumps on my lap.
9:08am: DS "Mommy!"
9:08am: Me "What?"
9:08am: A little hand pushes on my back.
9:08am: DS "Color with me!"
9:09am: Me "Does it look like I can color right now?"
9:09am: DS "Do you want me to go get the crayons?"
9:09am: Me "You want to color in the bathroom?"
9:09am: DS "Uh huh, you're in here." *smiles*
9:09am: DD tries to stick her hand in the toilet by my butt. Um no, nice try.
9:10am: Me "I will color with you when I'm done. For crying out loud DD get your hand out of my butt!"
9:10am: DD "Poo poo."
9:10am: Me "Yes baby, poo poo."
9:10am: DS "Mommy, are you done yet?"
9:10am: *big mommy sigh*
9:10am: Me "Mother of pearl!" as I shake the cat who is clawing on for dear life off my back.
9:11am: Me "Yes. I'm done."
9:11am: I wipe out of habit and pull my pants up.
9:11am: DS looks into the toilet.
9:11am: DS "Mommy! Where did your poop go?"

Eleven minutes spent on the toilet. Not a single poop made it to its watery grave. Tell me, where in those eleven minutes did I actually have time to even get a single poop out? 3 days it's been like this. Tomorrow is day number 4. Wish me luck or send me an enema. I'm gonna need it.


  1. One thing is missing. You didn't mention anything about washing your hands. Lol

  2. I only wash my hands if I poop on them. I didn't poop so I didn't have that problem.